與我素未謀面的臺灣資深人體模特、策展人、劇場藝術創作者艾倫，去年三月邀請我到高雄某大學擔任人體模特，榮幸之至。可惜已回港六天的我，只可徒歎陰差陽錯。上月艾倫在國立高雄師範大學藝文中心籌辦《肉身所在：人體速寫小展覽》，並且在該學府攻讀碩士學位的同時，繼續推廣人體藝術。世界真細小，沒有機緣，卻有淵源。我旋即陷入高師大的回憶中⋯⋯
初衷為跳舞的我，2021年抵臺渡過了四個寒暑。孭著學生簽證的我，首年在臺北接觸到人體模特的工作。次年隨舞伴搬到高雄，轉校至高師大英文系，由year 2讀到year 4上學期。我一直以隨遇而安的心態當人體模特，只接job，不找job；不隱瞞，也不推廣，因為心思都在舞蹈上。直至year 3一場車禍，奪走我生命中的摯愛 —— 舞都沒得跳了 —— 之餘，還令本就拮据的我背負醫療、復健開支。一位海外畫家得知我的困境問道：「怎麼不多當模特呢？」屈指一算，原來我已經十七個月沒當模特了。
急須開源，我聯絡中南部各大小公、私立學府、設計學院、藝校、畫室，包括高師大藝術系。另開始經營Instagram，起初只分享在臺北累積的畫作，後來漸漸接受拍攝藝術照（首拍後我居然看不慣照片上赤裸的自己而把它們全刪！）並在社交媒體發佈。
校園生活也在此時發生鉅變。
甫進課室，空氣驟變。同學們互打眼色，男同學的單邊嘴角上揚角度尤高。堂上分組討論，我發言後往往整組沉默，你眼看我眼，或低頭不語。聽不見嗎？我重覆一遍，結果一樣。昨天有說有笑的，今日路上偶遇卻假裝看不見，或立馬低頭碌電話。Instagram出現大量退追蹤後又持續stalk我限時動態的同學。就這樣過了一學期，新學期新course新同學的第一節課還好，第二節課起又重演上述戲碼。更甚，部分男講師開始避免跟我眼神接觸，或努力當我透明。誰要你放Instagram在LINE profile呢？
在一節英文系的必修課，我們魚貫進課室之際，在我前面的女同學回頭看見我：「嘩！」飆高音驚慌失措往前猛衝，整間課室瞬間哄堂大笑。尖叫女半回頭鼓起腮，斜眼瞪我一下。無聲勝有聲的指責異常清晰：「你這怪物竟敢靠近本小姐！」然後另一位女同學靠近尖叫女，笑咪咪贈興說：「你的反應好捧！」尖叫女手掌依然掩胸，一邊委屈巴巴說：「嚇死我了」，眼角餘光一邊漂向我。與其說怕安撫不了尖叫女，不如說是怕我聽不到；贈興女提高音量再度強調：「你剛才的反應真的超讚呢！」
只有一臉懵然的我，人體模特的身分把同學弄髒了而不自知。
Estella，你是來跳舞的；其他一概別在意。年齡、文化、教育背景和入學目的上的洪溝，讓我在這所南臺灣所謂的知名學府裏格格不入是意料之內的。抵達高雄那天就感受到民風跟北部大相徑庭，更別說跟香港比。人家又沒有你成年前就畫肖像、讀美術史的背景，就別跟他們一般見識吧。在社會打滾十多年，肢體、語言暴力等職場欺凌也經歷過。高師大裏多數時間的隱性孤立又算甚麼？但原來一星期五天，一天六、七小時身陷這種處境，是蠻難受的。
國立高雄師範大學致力培訓教育人才 —— 據它所說 —— 設有藝術學院，系上的人體寫生老師曾聯繫我當模特兒，可惜時間不配合。而且聽說課程已由必修降為選修。去年三月我摒棄了尚餘一學期就完成的學位，回港去。
Estella Chan
港、台兩邊走的人體模特兒
香港大學美術系學士（已改名「藝術系」）
英國皇家舞蹈教師協會認可拉丁舞導師
個人Instagram
模特Instagram
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Erin, a veteran Taiwanese figure art model, curator, and theatre artist I had never met, invited me to be a model at a university in Kaohsiung last March. A great honor, unfortunately, I had already returned to Hong Kong six days prior and could only lament the mismatched timing. Last month, Erin organised an exhibition at the Arts Center of National Kaohsiung Normal University (NKNU). I thus came to know that she is pursuing her master's degree at the university when continuing the promotion of figurative art. This immediately recalls my days at NKNU.
Holding my sole purpose to dance, I landed in Taiwan in 2021 spending the following 3.5 years with a student visa. In the first year I got an opportunity to work as a figure model in Taipei. The second year I moved to Kaohsiung in the south because of my dance partner’s relocation. Hence, I transferred to the English Department of NKNU where I studied from year 2 to the first semester of year 4 the final year. Up to here I had been working as a figure art model with a happy-go-lucky attitude. I only took jobs, not looking for one. I didn’t hide nor promote my job because I focused on dance until year 3, a car wreck happened. It deprived me from the love of my life - I couldn't dance anymore - and further burdened the already impoverished me with medical and rehabilitation expenses. Having learnt about my plight, an overseas artist asked, “Why don't you model more?” Then I realised I have stopped modelling for already seventeen months.
Desperate for income, I approached government and private universities, design colleges, art schools and studios in central and southern Taiwan, including the College of Arts at NKNU. I also started running my Instagram account, initially only sharing artworks accumulated in Taipei. Having spent some time convincing myself to do figure art photoshoots (I deleted the first album right away as I couldn't stand the naked self in photos!), I also began to post them on social media whereas I still didn’t know -
a sharp change in campus life awaited me.
Every time I stepped into the classroom, the atmosphere drastically changed. Classmates exchanged glances. The boys' smirks were particularly pronounced with a high-tilt corner of the mouth. During most group discussions after I spoke, the entire group fell silent, either staring at each other or looking down, mouths shut — are they not hearing me? I repeated. Same result. Those who were laughing and chatting with me yesterday acted today as if I were invisible, or abruptly looked down at their phones when we came across each other. They unfollowed my Instagram but continued to stalk my stories. This went on for a semester. Another new semester started with new courses and new classmates when the first week was brilliant until the second onwards, the same dramas looped again. Even worse, some male lecturers started avoiding eye contact with me. Estella, why the hell do you put your Instagram on your LINE profile?
In an English core course when we entered the classroom one by one, the girl in front of me turned around and saw me, “Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!” Amid her ultra-high-pitch scream, she scrambled forward in a panic. The whole classroom erupted in laughter. The screaming girl half-turned around, cheeks puffed, glared at me sideways. At that moment I heard a crystal-clear silent accusation, “How dare you stand near me, monster?!” Grabbing popcorn, another girl approached the screaming girl, pronounced with a big smile, “Your reaction was amazing!” Still covering her chest with one hand while glancing at me out of the corner of her eye, the screaming girl disdainfully replied, “I was god damn scared!”. The popcorn-grabber, lest I wouldn’t hear, emphasised more loudly, “Your reaction was truly incredible!”
Completely oblivious, I am the only person who failed to realise that my identity as a figure art model had tainted my classmate.
Estella, you're here to dance; nothing else. The vast gap in age, culture, educational background and purpose of enrollment made me an unwelcome presence at this so-called prestigious university in southern Taiwan, which was expected. Since the very first day in Kaohsiung, the stark difference in local customs from the north was unmistakable, let alone Hong Kong’s. These schoolmates didn’t possess my pre-adultery background in portrait drawing nor art history studies. So, just, let them. Having worked in society for over a decade, I've experienced physical and verbal bullying in the workplace. What's the constant implicit isolation in university compared to that? Nevertheless, being in such a situation five days a week, six to seven hours a day did wear me out.
National Kaohsiung Normal University is dedicated to training educational talents, per its declaration. Its College of Arts contacted me for life modelling but, unfortunately we couldn’t work out a time slot. Besides, I heard their figure-drawing course had been downgraded from mandatory to elective for even arts students. Last March, I moved back to Hong Kong. Who cares even though the degree was only one semester away from completion?
Estella Chan
Figure Art Model active in Hong Kong and Taiwan
Bachelor of Fine Arts, University of Hong Kong
Certified Latin Teacher, Imperial Society of Teachers of Dancing
